SUSAN GJESDAL HAGEN. I have lived in Montana much of my life. I have been in the mental health field for 16 years, and recently retired from work I loved. I have been writing for over 30 years, and now have the time to complete my memoir that focuses on Grief, Loss and the triumphs and trials that went with all the losses. Poetry has helped me express those feelings.
It’s a Mystery
Whenever I find a problem or am trying to find something I will say it’s a mystery. My little grand daughter and I have a special relationship, and sometimes we will have something we can’t find or a problem to solve. She is my joy and makes me smile, what can I say. One day she was looking for her pink rock I gave her. I said, “It’s a mystery.” She looked at me and said, “Gramma why do you always say that?” I said, “When I was a little girl I read Nancy Drew Mysteries, and she was always trying to find something,” “She said, Whose Nancy Drew?” “An older girl who had lot of books written about her who was good at finding things.” (She giggles) We like to find things don’t we Gramma, but sometimes I get tired of looking. Will you help me find my pink rock?” “Sure, where do you want me to look?” “You can look in my closet, sometimes I put it in there (she smiles at me) and I will look under my bed.” I said, “Okay.” After a few minutes she got tired of looking and said, “I don’t want to do the mystery any more. Let’s play Legos.” “Okay, we can look for the pink rock later.” “I love my pink rock you gave me gramma, but I it’s lost and I want to play Legos.”
—
Sweet Little Girl
Oh grand delight we see the sun
In a little girls eyes
They sparkle as the smile grows wide
Each moment she is love
Her heart is warm
Her charm is sweet
Her style is of her own
Her hair it shines
Her mood it chimes
As she moves around the home
Laugh with her
Smile with her
Enjoy her when she sings
There is no better love
Than a grand daughter’s love
For she is all our dreams.
—
Short Term
I didn’t have you long enough
To become strong enough
Nine years went so fast and I never knew you would not be there
No one kept you alive for me
No one told me stories about you and the times we had until I was so numb then a few came out but I was so numb
I looked in your Yellowstone Trip photo album
And got glimpses of our life
I looked at pictures that were in your photos as you were good about that
Found bits and pieces and still have those pieces that have been shared with sisters
No one told me if I was like you or if I had some of your traits
No one empathized and stepped up to the plate
Did I have a disease or did they think it was catchy?
I think I miss you more as I didn’t have that support and mentoring
Just bits and pieces along the way that didn’t add up
Short Term
—
Swerve
A resounding running race of words
Can be heard each day
To rhyme recite remember well
On into the night
We move in all directions
So who would guess where we go
It’s hard to not return each day
Each time we start to glow
Yet as I move along the path
Each day might not be the same
Who knows what direction I will go?
Don’t stop start resume the race
And even though there may be curves
Along the way it helps us all when we reach that point
There is one thing we can say
In order to not make a mistake and that is tried and true
Swerve
—
Timing
Times are near
Reach out now
Life is full
Change is dear
Make a move
Don’t stay still
Let’s have fun
Take a trip
Join the group
The groove age
That meets true
You can Choose
No one else
Will ever do
Get it done
Time is now.
—
That Day
I remember that moment like yesterday
The breathing in the room became rapid
Yet for me it was shut off
My breath was stuck in my throat
To this day it causes me problems
The dry cough the 5th Chakra
My breath is shallow when I try to run
Catching my breath at that moment
My father burst out not catching his breath
It just came out rushing without stops
No filters as he saw my face he stopped
My sister losing it and raging at whoever was there
My father taking a breath long enough to tell me to go to check on my little sister
The breathing in that house was never replicated
It stayed stuck in my throat in my diaphragm
Now I am relearning how to breathe
Yet I find myself catching my breath with stress
Words flowing out so fast I can’t control what is being said
Breathe Susan Breathe
—
I Wonder
I wonder what is next in my life?
I wonder where we will find a new home?
I wonder if I will complete projects I have started
I wonder if Life will bring Joy?
I wonder how long it will take to discover new connections?
I wonder when this meditation will take over in my life?
I wonder who will be my next connection?
Will I find the answers before it is too late?
Why does life have so many twists and turns for me?
What waits around the next corner?
—
Perfectionism
A state of mind
A condition we put on ourselves
Societies expectations of us
Our own inner need.
Not being able to accept imperfection
Trying to reach a platitude
Looking for the rainbow
Will there ever be a pot of gold at the end?
—
Time Together
The cars go by next to the house
Different sizes different shapes
Busy but serene
Working on the yard and landscape
Takes me back to other places I have been
Relating to a job and people who have left a memory
Then I return to where I am
Family, good times and smiles
Being together for dinners and conversation
Granddaughter cheering us with her smile
So full of life and love
This window is in a place we visit
It has a new meaning
New thoughts of the future
Possible dreams that may come true
Possible changes and adventures.
—
My Name
Where have I been?
Never have I looked up my name
Did my mother look it up before she gave me my name?
Feminine, French, great person
Finding this in Google and seeing what it says
All that in a name
Caring, Intelligent
Never seeing my beauty, but now I know it is there
Years of searching for meaning and never looking at my name
My mother gave me a gift along with her spirit
Lily a flower that relates to my name
Advisor, girlfriend, sibling and protector
This gives me strength and comfort
Even though it’s only a name
All because I joined the poem-athon
That is why I learned my name
Rejoice and feel her spirit
Rejoice in my name
Now I can be my protector
My girlfriend and continue on my path knowing my name.
—
The Unexpected
They are alive and moving quickly and in different directions
They are hidden or they come out when you least expect them
Let’s run into the woods and see what we can see
Let’s play near the river and go rock climbing
It might move and we may see it
It might stay still and we can miss walking on it
Nothing wrong with my eyes
They see very well
What a trip when we walk in the woods
What a trip when we sit on the grass
Hot weather is eventful in the desert sands
No time for thinking about what we worry about
No time to say I am not going in there
The fear can be overcome
Some love to hold them and pet them
Not me… they are not in my realm of fun.
—
My Name
Where have I been?
Never have I looked up my name
Did my mother look it up before she gave me my name?
Feminine, French, great person
Finding this in Google and seeing what it says
All that in a name
Caring, Intelligent
Never seeing my beauty, but now I know it is there
Years of searching for meaning and never looking at my name
My mother gave me a gift along with her spirit
Lily a flower that relates to my name
Advisor, girlfriend, sibling and protector
This gives me strength and comfort
Even though it’s only a name
All because I joined the poemathon
That is why I learned my name
Rejoice and feel her spirit
Rejoice in my name
Now I can be my protector
My girlfriend and continue on my path knowing my name.
—
My Five Angels
My five Angels stood in the wings
Waiting for me to hear them sing
They know me well maybe better than me
My Angels have stood in the wings
They each have a piece of my heart
They each have given me a piece of their heart
Frankie who laughed and gave me joy and taught me to have fun
Dorothy found me and helped my writing life.
Bernie told me stories to nurture my past
Grandma Clara whose hugs and love
Brought me Clara’s Treasures and Hilltop House B&B
Mom your love and smiles so long ago
Stuck with me long after your life was abruptly taken from me
And 20 years later I was able to begin to grieve.
When you became my purpose and the Leeza Show put you on television
These Five Angels have stood in the wings
Holding me close and now I can hear them sing!
—
Marry Your Muse: Making Lasting Commitment to Your Creativity by Jan Phillips
Creativity
The spirit and the soul are involved
My life has been saved with creativity
It has taken over when I am sad
It has given me peace and joy
Creativity is part of my life
It is especially important today
It has become more than a thought
It has become a moral obligation
There is power in creativity
The world is filled with creative people
Writers, Artists, Architects, Designers
To name a small few
Let’s use creativity to change the world
There are people looking for ways
They are growing stronger
Never underestimate the creativity in the world
—
Solemn Sleep
Remembering when I use to pray, “Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take.”
Now I think of that and wonder if it scared me so
Especially when my mother died and left me at age 9
Her death was so fast we didn’t get to say good bye
I remember back then that sleep was a way to forget and not think about my mother
Sleep was a way to cope
No one spoke of her anymore
As I remember sleeping half the day when I was young and growing every day
Now as I am older and older
I seem to take longer and longer
Yet then sometimes the night is fast
The daylight coming through the looking glass
I hear the buses making lots of noise
Sometimes I hear the bang bang of the snowplow in the early morn
Whatever it can take for me
I know my sleep is meant to be
Everything we read says get this many hours of sleep
I may have lost her long ago but my mother can come to me at night
I know that is not exactly so
It is her spirit and maybe her soul
I do believe she is with our Father
AS once I saw her as an Angel with my baby sister
So let’s all get a good rest
See if we can have the solemn sleep
So the next day we can begin refreshed
The strands we make along the way the web we spin to prepare for the day
Let’s meditate and still our minds so we can sleep for the required time.
—
Haiku
Crocuses bring joy
white, orange, green colors array
first to come through dirt
In news grizzly bear
reported close to humans
summer mistake death
Separate Self
As I learn from the great teachers I learn I have separate selves
Some of those Separate selves sabotage my efforts to heal
The healer in me thrives on serving others and staying strong compassionate and loving
To say I’m healed is the hard piece of this journey
Healers have hard roads if they have healing to do along the way
Many selves that get in the way
Integrate they say and it will come together as a whole
Boundaries come into play
Set those auras with the rose says Jeffrey
Forgive those that need to be forgiven says Vishen
Just do what you love and believe says Mr. Frost
God is always sending me messengers that lead me to the answers
He sends me surprises along the way that are helping me find my voice
Trust yourself and integrate the separate selves into the Whole self the true self
This has become my mission and purpose
I have learned so much with God’s help
I cry and the tears say; “It’s okay you will make it.”
You are moving on your path to heal and the healer is alive and present
March on little soldier March on as you are now on the right path.
—
Definition- Passion: “strong emotion” is attested from late 14c., from Late Latin use of passio to render Greek pathos. Came from the etymonline.com resource dictionary
Passion
Intense and meaningful
Full of life and love
Anger with a message
Emotion coming out strong
Putting life into an idea
Bringing about change
Not giving in to society’s chorus
Compelling and ardent expression
Leading to a calm
Making life serene
Teaching and learning from experiences
Not giving up on a dream.
==
1st) To take us lands away
2nd) That bears a human soul
Emily Dickinson
Books
Reading and imagining
To take us lands away
Romance, drama, adventure, mystery
As a youth Trixie Belden, Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys
Recently reconnected
To feel the years when they were so needed
My mother had died and this was a way to make it through
They shared their lives and one could take part on the page
Waiting to find the next book in the dime store
Kept me occupied with something to look forward to
To live in their lives as mine was now depressing
No girls my age and alone with all boys in my class
Like now writing a memoire
Looking at the page
Reading Memoirs by other writers who feel compelled to tell their stories
Different themes and purpose
That bears a human soul.
—
Birds Flying
Everywhere they flutter around in the trees
The sounds are hard to pinpoint
The obnoxious crow continues the caw caw caw
Yet in-between there are so many more sounds
Many birds sending out their identity
They fly away if I open the door
Sit still in the doorway and watch and wait
Observe the Blue Jay, Junco, Sparrow, Chickadee and Finch
Hurray for spring as my heart sings
—
A Quiet Surprise
The soft sound of the rain
Left the birds to move swiftly from tree to tree
Two Blue Jays were back amongst us my first to see both in one spot
Jumping from tree to grass to bird feeder stopping only briefly
I try to step out on my deck but the door as I want to join them, but my door is not quiet and off they fly until they return and on it goes…. The joy of seeing their bantering
—
Opening my Mind
I am here and it is 10:00 a.m.
Listening to my meditations
Oprah & Chopra and Mind Valley
Enjoying my energy dance with Titanya Dahlin
Keeping my brain balanced is an everyday occurrence
My trauma brain continues to challenge me
The deaths were felt like rejections
They persist and my journey is constant
Now I am free to focus on me
To nurture my soul
To nurture my body by walking and my mind looking at the mountain in front of me
To create and stay focused
To think about my classes and connections
This is the time of the day to begin the creative process
To discover and become open to the day
Whatever that will bring…
—
The Office Dream
Work is done, of course, I would have a dream
A mysterious girl and a strange setting
It came from the stillness of my sleep early in the morning
I had spoken to a person relating to my job today
Could it have triggered deep feelings?
Was it the meditations with Chopra and Oprah could that triggered deep feelings?
The place was packed with people I knew and didn’t know
There was a strange door that was split leading out after we were in
A young girl and I dressed in pretty pink dresses were moving around like we were invisible
It was obvious when we could not be let in or out of the door
In my office someone was helping a young woman with dark hair in a wheelchair holding a
baby in her lap being pushed up to my desk, but I had no memory of the person
I had forgotten the girl with me was supposed to be in school
Realizing no one was home to pick her up I said, “We have to get you to school.”
In that moment she shrunk into a tiny little being sitting in a chair, and I had to push her with my fingers
She looked a little like my younger sister
I picked her up and put her up on the edge of the counter where the door split
We waited to have someone see us so we could get out the door
I finally snuck out when someone came in, but she found a little hole to fall into
When she came through her pretty dress was all dirty but there she was her regular size
I asked her why she didn’t wait for me to help her and she looked at me and smiled
Then it was over.
—
Stillness
What creates stillness is meditation
A way of stilling your mind
Took a long time for me to find this stillness
Trauma brain winding and talking and disrupting so the noise would not stop
To learn about the energy that can pulsate in your hands
Feel it in your body and feel it warm and mine
Stillness to hear your inner voice and find answers that only come when still
Quieting the noise down and seeing colors like blue and green
Tuning out the world and drowning out the negativity
This was a mystery and a feeling of joy to be able to sit there and not fill my head with nonsense given to me by others in the past
Choosing who I want to be is filled with enthusiasm, purpose, and my personality and soul are authentic
Power is a calling that lifts my burdens and lets me write my story.
—
Birds or Squirrels
Watching the birds out my patio door creates joy
The squirrels are not part of that joy
We have been having it out with the sunflower seeds
Me with my water spray bottle and two of them with their little claws and beady eyes staring back at me
Saying, “Catch me if you can stupid human.”
The birds enjoy the trees, and the birdfeeders that I keep full
They are Juncos, Nuthatches, Chickadees, and recently the Finch
I even saw a blue jay in my trees making its noise that can be annoying, but today it is exciting
They are saying? “Spring is here, but why are we having snow?”
I just watch it melt and take each day as it comes
It can’t last forever. I think the squirrels are here to stay, however.
—
OPPOSITES
Summer and winter in Western Montana are not the same
Summer is green and warm
Winter is cold and white
Summer is blue skies and rain
Winter is gray skies and snow
Summer is people hiking, fishing, swimming, farmers markets, and boating
Winter is people skiing, snow shoeing, sledding, and snowmobiling
Summer is barbeques and picnics
Winter is restaurants, and winter carnivals
Summer is crowds heading to Glacier Park
Winter is the park is closed and people planning to come to Glacier Park
Winter is driving on winter roads of snow and ice
Summer is driving on roads clean and maybe summer rains
Winter is snowstorms and snow plows
Summer is work crews and detours
Winter is people lost in the snow and deaths from ski accidents
Summer is drownings and bear attacks
Yes they are opposite with tragedy and adventure
Beauty and splendor
This is Western Montana
—
Ostracizing
Silence comes in many packages like this one
There not paying attention to me
I feel like I am not even alive
They act like I am not here
What did I do wrong?
I don’t know why they are so mean
Silence can be cruel and it can hurt like hell
This silence is controlling and used in many societies
Let’s get away from this silence my inner voice says as I become still
I don’t have to put up with that silence
I have choices and staying in that silence is not my choice…
—
Inspiration
A body of water with purple hues from the sky
A recent rain that left a slight mist with the glare from the sun peeking through the cloud
Where before seeing this picture in front of me
I felt vacant thinking I could collapse where I was standing
Yet wanting to regain that feeling, and to share this moment
Suddenly, two people older and still in love
Came to look at this peaceful scene playing out in front of us
Watching them, seeing her standing next to him, did give me that feeling of a flame burning inside me
Once again leaving me to write as I reached for my pen letting the words spill out onto the page.
—
SNOW
Some days it is a blessing
Some days it is welcome and beautiful
Some days it is playful
Some days it is spectacular
Snow is white soft and a blanket that covers our earth
It can be seen all over the planet
It can cause tragedy
It can create havoc
It can create smiles
Some say it is a gift from God?
Not always a blessing
Not always fun
Controlled by Mother Nature they say
I love it at Christmas time walking and its soft flakes landing on my nose
Children playing, sledding and people running to the slopes to ski
However, today is not one of those days for me
Yet my birds are filling my trees out my window and enjoying my birdfeeders
You got to bless them!
Happy Spring you can’t come too soon!
—
Daffodils
My love for flowers grows strong
I see them in their last days and am sad as they sit in my vase dying
Yet they are also drying and that gives me ideas for a wreath
Then my thoughts go to my Tulips and my crocuses
Some popping out of the ground as today the ground is showing through.
—
Outcast
I Sit Alone
I sit alone watching looking to see if I see a friendly face
No one to connect to that is safe
No one to connect to that sees who I am
No one to connect to that understands my energy or lack of
No one who understands what I say and Mean
No where to go
No where I can be Me
Alone in this valley of beautiful places
Yet feeling connected to this earth and nature
Only an outcast in my mind